Leah is in DC visiting friends. She just txt'ed me to tell me she's on her way to the anti-war protest going on down there today, and would try not to get arrested. Digging around in my brain for my response felt like leafing through a heavy old book whose spine was about to break and all I managed was "legal number. sharpie on arm."
Which, as she pointed out, was silly. Her mom's a lawyer.
Why did I give up marching in the streets? Is it like I've told myself and others, that the media and political forces in this country have learned how to properly obfuscate and ignore masses of people, render the political weight of a collection of white bourgeoisie meaningless (which is quite a feat if you think about it), and that as a result protest has become masturbation for the socially conscious, a way to feel effective whilst kept at a safe distance? Have I really become that cynical? What about, as I used to tell people as I engaged in graffiti and banner drops, as I said when me and L and a handful of others marched between humvees and armed troops in Savannah, the idea that creating an environment in which resistance is visible even if completely ineffectual at least gives hope or support to those who might find a way to be effective. That putting anti-war stickers on a recruitment post in the night will at least send the message that the citizenry is neither united in support nor passive, even if we are somewhat powerless. Is there truth to that? Because if there is, then I just got tired. And I'm not sure that's acceptable.
New Orleans was the maturation of my feelings about direct action. Sort of a "shut up and just do it" approach. Eschewing ideological bullshit and just getting done work that needed to get done. Putting my money where my mouth had always been. And now that I don't have the freedom of being a student, I am locked into a lifestyle that prohibits me from that sort of work. I get paid to write about other people's work. Marching in the street past the occasional seat of power, demurely requesting policy change is the option of choice for people in my position. So what am I doing in my position? Two questions: is protest better than nothing? Well yes but (question two) how did I ease myself into the position wherein those are the only two choices? If I'm serious about all of this, it should be my job, not a hobby. But therein lies the hard part... living responsibly and eating at the same time. hmm.
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8 comments:
it's not silly. the person next to her's mother may not be a lawyer. come on--maximize information, maximize options.
the rest...yeah. heaviness. been talking to the other half of svumot a lot lately; it's stirring it up. it was tiring, yes, but it was also energizing: we inspired ourselves. the mischief, ineffectual as it may have been, gave us energy and camaraderie.
i think i'd feel sad and impotent in a big march now. but i [we, everyone] need a way to make fuel for real work again.
it was energizing to see that people cared. and to see people dancing in the streets to piss people off. because as bourgeois as it was, a ton of white college kids with facial piercings, it pissed off the people who most white college kids grow up to be.
I think protesting alone isn't enough. and it's exhausting. but gathering a huge group of people who are trying and are getting tired trying, and to allow them to all try together, well, that helps. and it's damn loud.
My only fear is... is this part of how we grow up to be those people? Participating in the ritual dance of rebellion until we exhaust ourselves and get a nice job and a crave stability in lieu of dreams?
Point is, there are a lot of people who try to rebel. And a lot of them end up being objects of rebellion twenty years later. So I fear that there's something about the way we rebel that leads us to become complacent, or disillusioned, or simply tired. And I wonder if there isn't a different, more affirming way.
well. the obvious answer seems to be: forget the rebellion; just do the work.
which leads to I Have Questions, not answers:
1) what work?
2) can i support myself or live cooperatively while doing this in a way comfortable enough to continue long-term? (goals being two-fold: one, don't make myself a burden. two, be physically and socially content enough to stick with it.)
3) how can i keep a balance that keeps me thinking freely, grounded, and not neglectful of other parts of my life and of other work that needs doing?
we found 1 in nola. not 2. almost 3--the pleasures of the work itself, the working community, and the place (music, beauty, friendly culture) were almost enough, but we were still having to escape a lot. plus, you know. we all had our problems.
i think if rebellion in itself has a place, it's in finding 1/helping others find 1 and encouraging energy for 3.
...like i said, no answers. but that's the way i've been systematizing the situation to myself.
mmm...
rebellion cast aside like that is the first step to the sort of complacency above anonymous (who I'll assume is Leah) was talking about.
Read Camus' "the Rebel". not that it relates to the sentence above, save that it portrays rebellion as a life choice, and thats how I mean it. rebellion as the polar opposite of acceptance of the world as found.
Your #2 is the dangerous one here. What does it mean to be comfortable? #3 makes it sound like you're looking for a utopia. There are no such things. Rebellion is why one decides to do work other than the social norm, and that happens when one is uncomfortable with the world they find themselves in. Your #3 is also scary because it implies that whatever the task at hand is, it is separable from a lump sum of "other work" and "other parts of life". Not to come down on you, but this is the very basis of my fear. We separate changing the world we find around us from the act of survival, and thus set up a false dichotomy which begs its own priorities. We do the same thing when we juxtapose that kind of work to "comfort". We're setting up the idea of two lives, the one we feel we're ethically supposed to live, and the one we want to. Which one do you think is going to win?
You're reading those as if you don't know me to be deeply happier stepping over roaches on the way to brush my teeth at the water filter than I am entering data in a cushy chair with a cup of coffee. Quit it.
2 I should perhaps have separated more fully. I assume you have no issue with the first bit?, of trying to support oneself or at least not overtax scarce resources (okay, all slippery slope because everyone's interdependent to a some extent and that's a good thing, but as a general goal). All I mean by "comfortable" there is in very basic terms of sustaining myself longterm. Physical needs like enough good food to stay healthy, medical care, reasonable shelter; access to things the work requires (tools? clothing?); and social/emotional needs like occasional privacy and contact with family & friends (ie, some phone/computer/travel).
A little confused by your response to 3--I think you're misunderstood what I mean because of the NOLA bit. I don't mean I'm looking to work somewhere perfect that provides everything. That was just an example; I meant that despite being immersed in really hard (physically, mentally) work, we were able to get a lot of strength from the culture and environment. Which I can go into more if what I mean is unclear, but trying not to write a novel here. Plus we got very immediate confirmation of the value of our work. Which...well, okay, yeah. That is pretty close to my idea of utopia.
By other parts of life and work-- pretty sure we're in agreement here, just my phrasing was unclear. I mean it's important to be able to back off a little sometimes. Not to disconnect, but to see connections better--to see how what you're doing relates to everything else. To not get wrapped up in a specific project so much that you forget to make sure it's still effective, to look for other paths, to keep some perspective. Above all not to get so absorbed in the job that one forgets the work.
But alright, yes--sometimes to disconnect, if you need a break to keep functioning, to stay sane and healthy and effective. To not turn into Andy. That could mean escaping from the whole situation, or just maintaining outside activities and friendships. Making time for that isn't an ethical failing; it's a necessary part of staying capable of doing good.
Setting up two lives...that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I want the life I should have and the life I want to have to be the same. If they're set up in opposition, of course the want will win, yes. But the reason for asking that set of questions is to figure out how, practically, to live right and be happy. For a long time.
Lastly, I don't care about pissing people off. Unless it does something productive too that's just spreading ill will. The productive thing can be simply creating a culture of rebellion such that others are encouraged, as you said; I've operated on that principal many a time. But it has to actually do that. Sticking it to the man for the hell of it is a waste of energy and resources. That's just contrarianism; I want resistance.
Camus. Fair enough, The Rebel goes back on the reading list.
Clarification: I don't mean that one shouldn't ever do things that aren't sustainable. Obviously periods of going all-out with little regard for oneself have their place and are good and necessary sometimes. Just that one can't build a whole life that way or you either burn out completely or have to alternate periods of that with periods of recovery, which is kind of a shitty way to live due to that splitting effect you mentioned.
Hey Gyra and de.corday- aaahhh intense desire to enter this conversation combined with intense sleepiness --> frustration
I feel like I've in fact found answers that work for me to most of these questions (why there's no reason to feel guilty about not wanting to engage in protests as a form of social change work in our era; what sorts of things we should be doing instead; how to do the kind of work we want to do sustainably and without being a burden to those closest to us; etc) and want to share nownownow and see if you agree
but sleep first
bug me if I forget to respond
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