Came in across the cloud factories,
Volvo buzzing like a dented bearing in a dry cage.
Tried my hand at a blues song
and returned, promptly, to Connecticut
Four years like a lifetime of mistakes
created a joyous rendition
of couches pushed together like beds
and lullabies like theorists long dead
reciting what you've known all along
in merely better words;
tread lightly, for you are free.
"tried my hand"
5 comments:
1st, 2nd, 5th lines: YES
and there's one rhyme here and that's just the right number.
http://gallery.photo.net/photo/6222069-lg.jpg
Leah thinks I'm trying too hard with the 2nd line.
I have to say it's my favorite, but probably from listening to too much califone, plus the mp3's line, "You shifted like a detuned engine / grinded like a toothless gear / I howled like a wounded belt / after all of these years"
bah. Leah never understands my dystopic machinery thing anyway.
The fifth line? Really?
well, I have this *thing* with machines...
which maybe means I understand it very well but hate it, or understand it not at all. I don't know which.
yah really. come on, look at that through ocd-formal-poetry eyes--not the image, but the sound of the words and the rhythm: "four years like a lifetime." that's great.
second line: the volvo reference sort of grates (i have this *thing* about brand names...), but i'm learning to appreciate that. "a dented bearing in a dry cage" is one of the best things i've read from you in a while.
email me the lyrics. you mumble and i have bad speakers.
First: the brand references are very conscious. First, for me it takes something corporate and personalizes it. Also, it's real life. "car" can be anything. "volvo" carries social weight. Plus, its accurate reporting. Like bukowski: this is what happened today, i dont care if it's Poetry.
Second, Lyrics:
Gas light's on, it's 3am, / North Virginia, I'm on the road again. / 200 miles from her door / 200 miles from where I'm not wanted any more. / Lord, forgive me for what I am / Love, forgive me, I am your man / You shifted like a detuned engine, grinded like a toothless gear / I'm howling like a wounded belt after all of these years / Jesus give me just a few more miles / Never let me forget her pretty smile / Lord forgive her of this sin / Let my baby let me back in.
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